It’s hard to believe it’s taken this long, but we’re proud to announce the arrival of our favorite new book, The Rock Bible: Unholy Scripture for Fans & Bands. That’s right, this tiny red book may look like a typical bible — despite the, you know, flames and Les Paul on the cover — but on the inside it contains a list of dos and don’ts that every aspiring rock star should read before embarking on a spiritual journey into the world of dirty clubs, crowded vans and rest stop bathrooms.
Below we’ve reprinted our favorite 10 commandments — and if you enjoy these, remember there are literally hundreds more to enjoy if you pick up the book, which also includes illustrations, parables and essays from people you’d never want near your church such as comedian Patton Oswalt and Man Or Asto-Man?’s drummer Birdstuff a.k.a. Brian Teasley. Trust us, if bible study was as fun as what’s listed below we’d want to go to church every day.
I. “Do not name your band after another current band’s song or album. Come to think of it, don’t name your band after any song or album. Nobody cares about your ‘good’ taste.”
II. “Turntables are not, nor have they ever been, a musical instrument.”
III. “Using your computer on stage means you’re as likely to be checking your e-mail as you are to be performing music.”
IV. “Never personally master your own recordings unless you really don’t want anyone to listen to them.”
V. “Everybody thinks they’re funny. Most people aren’t, especially soundmen.”
VI. “Few singers are allowed to drape scarves on microphone stands. You are not one of them.”
VII. “Rhythm guitar players should always look like they want to be somewhere else.”
VIII. “Those who figure they will play bass because it has two fewer strings than a guitar and is therefore easier to learn should probably just hold cases that hold guitars and basses.”
IX. “Singers who tell the audience to ‘Give it up for yourselves!’ should be attacked by hyenas.”
X. “Never spend more time on your hair than you would eating a modest-sized meal.”
The Rock Bible: Unholy Scripture For Fans & Bands is the brainchild of author/editor Henry Owings who is also the publisher of Chunklet. For more information visit: www.quirkbooks.com.